"You'd even drink gasoline if it was in a bottle!"

My mother LaRue came over the other day...



...but then Cuddles took me shopping (not only to forget my silly-nilly problems, but because she simply could not stand another day undecided about her debutante gown) and then to my Alcoholics meeting. But I'm afraid we didn't make the greatest impression...

"F is for Fantastic!"

Lu-Lu came home from school the other day and do you know what she did? That daughter of mine threw her schoolbooks straight into the trash! I repeatedly asked her if she had a nice day, and she responded by shaking up her soda and spraying it all over me and my kitchen! I yelled, "Lu-Lu, I'm trying to clean in here!" Then she asked me if I wanted to see her report card. She failed every single subject again! She said they changed the grading system...F is for Fantastic! I told her she was a little liar. It's a good thing she's not Pinocchio; her nose would be a mile long. She also told me she got voted President of Student Council today. "Liar mouth!" I said. "I'm a cheerleader, too!" Oh, that Lu-Lu is a liar, LIAR!

Then she dropped a bombshell: "I'll tell you another thing, Mother. I quit school today. And I'm gonna get me a job as a go-go girl down at the Flaming Cave Lounge!" I told her she'd work at the Flaming Cave Lounge over my dead body!! I sent her to her room and told her to stay then until I called her...and I just KNOW she snuck out to see that Bo-Bo Belzinger...

Bachelor cotillions, parties, country clubs...

This is Cuddles, my best friend. She's been on top of the world lately with her debutante party coming up. I told her she's too old to be to a debutante. Just because she's inherited a lot of money doesn't mean that she's suddenly socially prominent. But, she's already rented the hall for November the 10th. It will be a beautiful affair...every little detail will be perfect. I've said it before, but I wish I could be more like Cuddles...always optimistic. Her French is coming along quite nicely as well.

Cuddles has a devoted driver named Heintz that takes her everywhere. He's always just a beep-beep-beep away. He drives her to spy on Elmer for me, he does her laundry, helps me up when I've drank myself into oblivion to help me into a more presentable outfit...why, I wouldn't be surprised if one day he asks Cuddles to marry him.

Recently, Cuddles came over just after the police had arrested my Dexter. I was writhing around, screaming, "Oh, God! Why hast Thou forsaken me?" You know what she did? She scooped my alcoholic butt off the floor and said, "Come on, Francine. We're going on a picnic." Just thenI heard sirens--Elmer sent the fire trucks! That man will NEVER stop harrassing me! We left the house amidst a throng of reporters, wanting information on the Baltimore Foot Stomper (wich turned out to be my Dexter). Cuddles said, "Maybe we'll be on TV tonight!" We got in the car and she gave me some hooch (thank God).

Heintz drove us to the woods for our picnic. Cuddles was full of positivity, as always. "Francine, there must be a God! Everything is so beautiful! You gotta have some faith, Francine....everything will be all right."

We found a nice spot and sat down on the tablecloth. "Look, Francine," Cuddles said. "Tab for our diet! Ain't that great?" She also brought cups, sandwiches...then she said, "Happiness is a picnic in the woods!" I looked around...at the nature...it was beautiful...then Cuddles started screaming, "ANTS!! ANTS!! I got ants in my pants!!" There were millions of ants everywhere, all over the sandwiches...it was horrible! Then I smelled something...it was a SKUNK! It sprayed all over us! Can you believe it? Why, oh why can't I have just one happy moment in my life?! It's just not fair!! When Cuddles and Heintz dropped me home, Cuddles quipped, "Don't forget to wash your clothes! Hahahaha..." Oh, that Cuddles.

Oh! I almost forgot. On the drive to the woods, just as I was thinking that maybe I should get out of Baltimore, we passed the HANDSOMEST man! He looked at me and I think he may have rubbed his crotch a little bit as well. I tried to keep his gaze, but he was just so dashing..I was a little shy. I wonder if I'll ever see him again...

BEEEEEEER!!!

My daughter, Lu-Lu, is completely out of control, and a little liar to boot. I just don't know what to do with her anymore. One of these days she's going to get herself in trouble. The other night, a nice young man named Freddy Ashton came by to take Lu-Lu to the library to study. She came downstairs to greet him in the tightest outfit I'd ever seen! I demanded to know where she got it. "I borrowed it," she said. It was a new garment, I could smell it. I asked her, "Have you been shoplifting again?" She said she bought it with money she saved. "What money?" I demanded to know. "You don't have a job!" She said boys at school give her money. "For what?" I asked. She said, "For dancing at lunch period!" I asked her, "You dance lewdly for the boys at lunch period?" Lu-Lu said, "For a quarter I will!!" And all during this discussion, she's dancing and thrusting and squealing and snapping her fingers...I cried out, "Stop that dancing!" Then Freddy gave his two cents: "Don't be upset, Mrs. Fishpaw. Puberty brings on strange behavior in adolescents. I'll take good care of her. Have a nice night!" I told Lu-Lu to be a good girl, and asked her if she had 15 cents to call home...I don't know, something tells me she didn't go to the library with Freddy...I just know she met up with that awful Bo-Bo Belzinger...

Having a little wake-up cocktail.

One-three-five-nine, G-rated movies are mighty fine!

My husband, Elmer, bought our house with the profits of porno. He is the owner of the Charles Art theater, a local X-rated movie house....the current attraction is "My Burning Bush." He says, "I'll show any movie I wanna show. This is a free country, isn't it?" He is so disillusioned; he thinks his theater helps stop rape. Mrs. Jeanette Smise of Townsend, who organized the picketing in front of my home, is right; his theater caters to sex offenders!! We were all over the news tonight. People were chanting, "Two-four-six-eight!, X-rated movies we all hate!" Children were saying, "Please show 'Benji'! Please show G-rated movies!" I've never been so humiliated. The worst part is, Elmer called the press himself and told them to send over a mini-cam!! When I pleaded with him to change his evil ways, he said, "Stop that yammering and fix me a drink." Every night I say my prayers, asking God to forgive him for showing dirty movies. I'm afraid I'll be excommunicated because of him!

It was the oddest thing...right before Elmer's footage, they ran a story about the Baltimore Foot Stomper. He was described as a thin, white teenage male...the stomper struck twice this week, seriously injuring the feet of two Baltimore women.

I can't be certain, but something tells me...no. NO. It just COULDN'T be my Dexter!! Although I did receive a call while Cuddles and I were having a big lunch (yummy, yummy!) from Mr. Kirk, principal of Overlee Junior High School. He asked if Dexter was ill, and I said no, Dexter was in school. Mr. Kirk informed me that he in fact wasn't, and that his truancy problem is way out of hand. And the Baltimore County School Board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system. I assured Mr. Kirk that I was as upset as he to learn of Dexter's truancy, but surely expulsion was not the answer! He was he was afraid that expulsion was the only answer. And it is the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane and a hazard to the safety of the other students!! So that, along with his scrapbook filled with pictures of shoes and his penchant for huffing chemicals from under the sink, makes me wonder if he is, in fact, the Baltimore Foot Stomper. I wish I could remember the hotline number to call to give information...ahhh, yes. Just dial S-T-O-M-P-E-R.

If my son does have emotional problems, I can only blame Elmer. Sometimes I wish I could start over...meet a handsome man that with a decent car and that wouldn't be too harsh in his judgements...someone who would ponder the intellectual meaning of cinema...and would kiss away my D.T.'s...because I ache. I ache all over.

"I ony support the women I love!"

This is her. My husband's secretary, Sandra Sullivan. She's having a torrid affair with my Elmer. She's taking oral contraceptives to supress her ovulations through hormones! Elmer's got condoms---RED HOT PROPHYLACTICS. In black, her favorite color. He blows them up like balloons and lets them go! I am just simply appalled.

When I caught them at the White Gables Motel, she was wearing rings---guess who bought them for her?! And she said if I wanted to I could look at her clothes--they're the finest of polyester and SHE didn't pay for them!! I pleaded with Elmer---what about Dexter and little Lu-Lu? He said those two little bastards are a perfect argument for birth control! Besides, Sandra sneered, "Children would only get in the way of our erotic lifestyle."

That piece of trash!

I've been so blind, Here I thought the only messing around Elmer was doing at work was putting in that awful white shoe/black sock combo...











Oh, I just can't go on. Next time I will explain the horror Elmer has put me through...the picketers, the driving around Wyman Way with a megaphone, the constant prank pizza deliveries!!!

Franciney needs another drinky...or maybe Cuddles can come over and we'll have a BIG LUNCH!

"Hasn't he ever heard of the Hilton?!"

So, I found a Mastercharge receipt in Elmer's pocket, dated yesterday, from the White Gables Motel!! *sob, sob* I cannot take another heartbreak. I just cannot take it! So I sent Cuddles and Heintz over there and told her to call me if they see his car...

Well, I went right over to the White Gables Motel and picked up their scent immediately. Cheap Midnight in Paris perfume. I can smell it anywhere! I broke down the door and yelled, "Coitus interruptus?" I caught him, right in the act of adultry! With Sandra, his secretary, no less! I said, "I won't stand for this, Elmer. I want a divorce! And a big, fat settlement to go along with it!" *sob, sob, SOB!!* I can't go on...I'll tell you what happened next a little later...right now, I need a drinky...

My name is Francine Fishpaw, and I'm an alcoholic.

Honestly, I'm such an alcoholic that I'd drink gasoline if it were in a bottle...

I live at 538 Wyman Way in Baltimore, MD. Because of my drunkenness, both my children are delinquents. My daughter Lu-Lu has an awful boyfriend named Bo-Bo Belzinger, who got her pregnant. She's knocked up, and that's that. She's getting an abortion and she can't wait. She also dances for the boys at lunch period for a quarter. As if that weren't enough, I have a sneaking suspicion that my son Dexter is the Baltimore Foot Stomper.

My husband, Elmer, owns the Charles Art Theater, which shows adult films. I can't show my face in church, and all the neighborhood women spit at me in the shopping mall. I'll be quite blunt with you...I think my marriage is on the rocks. He gets called out of town on business quite a bit...I also cannot stand his wretched little dog, Bonkers.

My mother, La Rue, is awful. For forty-four years, I've tried to be a good daughter to her, and all I've gotten in return is abuse.

Let's see, what else... I can eat an entire cake in one sitting. You should see my stretchmarks!! Just about the only good thing in my life is my friend Cuddles. She used to be a cleaning lady, a scrub woman...but she recently inherited a great deal of money from a family she used to work for. She likes to go to ra-sha-sha boutiques and have picnics in the woods. She also says I'm the drinkenest gal she's ever seen!

But, even though I have Cuddles, I look into my future and all I see is a long, dark highway filled with endless tollbooths and no exits...

...all I have to cling to are my pizza-boy fantasies...