Honestly, I'm such an alcoholic that I'd drink gasoline if it were in a bottle...
I live at 538 Wyman Way in Baltimore, MD. Because of my drunkenness, both my children are delinquents. My daughter Lu-Lu has an awful boyfriend named Bo-Bo Belzinger, who got her pregnant. She's knocked up, and that's that. She's getting an abortion and she can't wait. She also dances for the boys at lunch period for a quarter. As if that weren't enough, I have a sneaking suspicion that my son Dexter is the Baltimore Foot Stomper.
My husband, Elmer, owns the Charles Art Theater, which shows adult films. I can't show my face in church, and all the neighborhood women spit at me in the shopping mall. I'll be quite blunt with you...I think my marriage is on the rocks. He gets called out of town on business quite a bit...I also cannot stand his wretched little dog, Bonkers.
My mother, La Rue, is awful. For forty-four years, I've tried to be a good daughter to her, and all I've gotten in return is abuse.
Let's see, what else... I can eat an entire cake in one sitting. You should see my stretchmarks!! Just about the only good thing in my life is my friend Cuddles. She used to be a cleaning lady, a scrub woman...but she recently inherited a great deal of money from a family she used to work for. She likes to go to ra-sha-sha boutiques and have picnics in the woods. She also says I'm the drinkenest gal she's ever seen!
But, even though I have Cuddles, I look into my future and all I see is a long, dark highway filled with endless tollbooths and no exits...
...all I have to cling to are my pizza-boy fantasies...
4 comments:
OMG!!! My favorite movie too!!!!
I can quote the dialog off the top of my head!!! My internet username is ElmerFishpaw.
www.myspace.com/elmerfishpaw
www.flickr.com/elmerfishpaw
elmerfishpaw.blogspot.com
I have met John Waters and Bob Adams both....
Wonderful site!!!
For an exciting ice breaker, introduce yourself as "Francine Fishpaw. I'm an alcoholic!" Your audience will either grimace or laugh. Avoid the sour puss.
Hi Francine, I too live at 538 Wyman Way and wonder what kind of crazy mixed up world do we live in? How can we both occupy the same residence? I am getting tired of all the fire trucks and late night pizza deliveries that someone is calling in to harass me. But I too have enjoyed the pizza delivery boy! Be sure to say hi should we ever pass!
Wink Williams
If you live in Baltimore, then why did your mother call an Ann Arundel County cab to pick her up. She's surely aware it's bad luck having retarded people in your home. A Baltimore cab would've rescued her sooner.
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