One-three-five-nine, G-rated movies are mighty fine!

My husband, Elmer, bought our house with the profits of porno. He is the owner of the Charles Art theater, a local X-rated movie house....the current attraction is "My Burning Bush." He says, "I'll show any movie I wanna show. This is a free country, isn't it?" He is so disillusioned; he thinks his theater helps stop rape. Mrs. Jeanette Smise of Townsend, who organized the picketing in front of my home, is right; his theater caters to sex offenders!! We were all over the news tonight. People were chanting, "Two-four-six-eight!, X-rated movies we all hate!" Children were saying, "Please show 'Benji'! Please show G-rated movies!" I've never been so humiliated. The worst part is, Elmer called the press himself and told them to send over a mini-cam!! When I pleaded with him to change his evil ways, he said, "Stop that yammering and fix me a drink." Every night I say my prayers, asking God to forgive him for showing dirty movies. I'm afraid I'll be excommunicated because of him!

It was the oddest thing...right before Elmer's footage, they ran a story about the Baltimore Foot Stomper. He was described as a thin, white teenage male...the stomper struck twice this week, seriously injuring the feet of two Baltimore women.

I can't be certain, but something tells me...no. NO. It just COULDN'T be my Dexter!! Although I did receive a call while Cuddles and I were having a big lunch (yummy, yummy!) from Mr. Kirk, principal of Overlee Junior High School. He asked if Dexter was ill, and I said no, Dexter was in school. Mr. Kirk informed me that he in fact wasn't, and that his truancy problem is way out of hand. And the Baltimore County School Board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system. I assured Mr. Kirk that I was as upset as he to learn of Dexter's truancy, but surely expulsion was not the answer! He was he was afraid that expulsion was the only answer. And it is the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane and a hazard to the safety of the other students!! So that, along with his scrapbook filled with pictures of shoes and his penchant for huffing chemicals from under the sink, makes me wonder if he is, in fact, the Baltimore Foot Stomper. I wish I could remember the hotline number to call to give information...ahhh, yes. Just dial S-T-O-M-P-E-R.

If my son does have emotional problems, I can only blame Elmer. Sometimes I wish I could start over...meet a handsome man that with a decent car and that wouldn't be too harsh in his judgements...someone who would ponder the intellectual meaning of cinema...and would kiss away my D.T.'s...because I ache. I ache all over.