This is Cuddles, my best friend. She's been on top of the world lately with her debutante party coming up. I told her she's too old to be to a debutante. Just because she's inherited a lot of money doesn't mean that she's suddenly socially prominent. But, she's already rented the hall for November the 10th. It will be a beautiful affair...every little detail will be perfect. I've said it before, but I wish I could be more like Cuddles...always optimistic. Her French is coming along quite nicely as well.
Cuddles has a devoted driver named Heintz that takes her everywhere. He's always just a beep-beep-beep away. He drives her to spy on Elmer for me, he does her laundry, helps me up when I've drank myself into oblivion to help me into a more presentable outfit...why, I wouldn't be surprised if one day he asks Cuddles to marry him.
Recently, Cuddles came over just after the police had arrested my Dexter. I was writhing around, screaming, "Oh, God! Why hast Thou forsaken me?" You know what she did? She scooped my alcoholic butt off the floor and said, "Come on, Francine. We're going on a picnic." Just thenI heard sirens--Elmer sent the fire trucks! That man will NEVER stop harrassing me! We left the house amidst a throng of reporters, wanting information on the Baltimore Foot Stomper (wich turned out to be my Dexter). Cuddles said, "Maybe we'll be on TV tonight!" We got in the car and she gave me some hooch (thank God).
Heintz drove us to the woods for our picnic. Cuddles was full of positivity, as always. "Francine, there must be a God! Everything is so beautiful! You gotta have some faith, Francine....everything will be all right."
We found a nice spot and sat down on the tablecloth. "Look, Francine," Cuddles said. "Tab for our diet! Ain't that great?" She also brought cups, sandwiches...then she said, "Happiness is a picnic in the woods!" I looked around...at the nature...it was beautiful...then Cuddles started screaming, "ANTS!! ANTS!! I got ants in my pants!!" There were millions of ants everywhere, all over the sandwiches...it was horrible! Then I smelled something...it was a SKUNK! It sprayed all over us! Can you believe it? Why, oh why can't I have just one happy moment in my life?! It's just not fair!! When Cuddles and Heintz dropped me home, Cuddles quipped, "Don't forget to wash your clothes! Hahahaha..." Oh, that Cuddles.
Oh! I almost forgot. On the drive to the woods, just as I was thinking that maybe I should get out of Baltimore, we passed the HANDSOMEST man! He looked at me and I think he may have rubbed his crotch a little bit as well. I tried to keep his gaze, but he was just so dashing..I was a little shy. I wonder if I'll ever see him again...
No comments:
Post a Comment