"You'd even drink gasoline if it was in a bottle!"

My mother LaRue came over the other day...



...but then Cuddles took me shopping (not only to forget my silly-nilly problems, but because she simply could not stand another day undecided about her debutante gown) and then to my Alcoholics meeting. But I'm afraid we didn't make the greatest impression...

"F is for Fantastic!"

Lu-Lu came home from school the other day and do you know what she did? That daughter of mine threw her schoolbooks straight into the trash! I repeatedly asked her if she had a nice day, and she responded by shaking up her soda and spraying it all over me and my kitchen! I yelled, "Lu-Lu, I'm trying to clean in here!" Then she asked me if I wanted to see her report card. She failed every single subject again! She said they changed the grading system...F is for Fantastic! I told her she was a little liar. It's a good thing she's not Pinocchio; her nose would be a mile long. She also told me she got voted President of Student Council today. "Liar mouth!" I said. "I'm a cheerleader, too!" Oh, that Lu-Lu is a liar, LIAR!

Then she dropped a bombshell: "I'll tell you another thing, Mother. I quit school today. And I'm gonna get me a job as a go-go girl down at the Flaming Cave Lounge!" I told her she'd work at the Flaming Cave Lounge over my dead body!! I sent her to her room and told her to stay then until I called her...and I just KNOW she snuck out to see that Bo-Bo Belzinger...

Bachelor cotillions, parties, country clubs...

This is Cuddles, my best friend. She's been on top of the world lately with her debutante party coming up. I told her she's too old to be to a debutante. Just because she's inherited a lot of money doesn't mean that she's suddenly socially prominent. But, she's already rented the hall for November the 10th. It will be a beautiful affair...every little detail will be perfect. I've said it before, but I wish I could be more like Cuddles...always optimistic. Her French is coming along quite nicely as well.

Cuddles has a devoted driver named Heintz that takes her everywhere. He's always just a beep-beep-beep away. He drives her to spy on Elmer for me, he does her laundry, helps me up when I've drank myself into oblivion to help me into a more presentable outfit...why, I wouldn't be surprised if one day he asks Cuddles to marry him.

Recently, Cuddles came over just after the police had arrested my Dexter. I was writhing around, screaming, "Oh, God! Why hast Thou forsaken me?" You know what she did? She scooped my alcoholic butt off the floor and said, "Come on, Francine. We're going on a picnic." Just thenI heard sirens--Elmer sent the fire trucks! That man will NEVER stop harrassing me! We left the house amidst a throng of reporters, wanting information on the Baltimore Foot Stomper (wich turned out to be my Dexter). Cuddles said, "Maybe we'll be on TV tonight!" We got in the car and she gave me some hooch (thank God).

Heintz drove us to the woods for our picnic. Cuddles was full of positivity, as always. "Francine, there must be a God! Everything is so beautiful! You gotta have some faith, Francine....everything will be all right."

We found a nice spot and sat down on the tablecloth. "Look, Francine," Cuddles said. "Tab for our diet! Ain't that great?" She also brought cups, sandwiches...then she said, "Happiness is a picnic in the woods!" I looked around...at the nature...it was beautiful...then Cuddles started screaming, "ANTS!! ANTS!! I got ants in my pants!!" There were millions of ants everywhere, all over the sandwiches...it was horrible! Then I smelled something...it was a SKUNK! It sprayed all over us! Can you believe it? Why, oh why can't I have just one happy moment in my life?! It's just not fair!! When Cuddles and Heintz dropped me home, Cuddles quipped, "Don't forget to wash your clothes! Hahahaha..." Oh, that Cuddles.

Oh! I almost forgot. On the drive to the woods, just as I was thinking that maybe I should get out of Baltimore, we passed the HANDSOMEST man! He looked at me and I think he may have rubbed his crotch a little bit as well. I tried to keep his gaze, but he was just so dashing..I was a little shy. I wonder if I'll ever see him again...

BEEEEEEER!!!

My daughter, Lu-Lu, is completely out of control, and a little liar to boot. I just don't know what to do with her anymore. One of these days she's going to get herself in trouble. The other night, a nice young man named Freddy Ashton came by to take Lu-Lu to the library to study. She came downstairs to greet him in the tightest outfit I'd ever seen! I demanded to know where she got it. "I borrowed it," she said. It was a new garment, I could smell it. I asked her, "Have you been shoplifting again?" She said she bought it with money she saved. "What money?" I demanded to know. "You don't have a job!" She said boys at school give her money. "For what?" I asked. She said, "For dancing at lunch period!" I asked her, "You dance lewdly for the boys at lunch period?" Lu-Lu said, "For a quarter I will!!" And all during this discussion, she's dancing and thrusting and squealing and snapping her fingers...I cried out, "Stop that dancing!" Then Freddy gave his two cents: "Don't be upset, Mrs. Fishpaw. Puberty brings on strange behavior in adolescents. I'll take good care of her. Have a nice night!" I told Lu-Lu to be a good girl, and asked her if she had 15 cents to call home...I don't know, something tells me she didn't go to the library with Freddy...I just know she met up with that awful Bo-Bo Belzinger...